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Lately, I've been feeling almost confident in myself, something that is truly amazing! I had started to feel okay about myself, but anymore, I don't think so...I feel once again reminded that my vain attempt at acclimation to this world was just a charade, like it always is. I am glad God gave me life, that He deemed me worthy of traversing this world, but sometimes I wonder if I REALLY belong here. My entire life, I have felt like an outsider, in all honesty, I don't even get myself half the time! There are parts of my mind I don't go in to, okay so I peek sometimes...but those areas are mysteries to me.

I feel like an alien, I watch humans interact, I see what is important to the average person, but I just don't get it. Why is a pair of designer jeans so important? Why would I need thirty pairs of heels? Do I HAVE to be a social butterfly? Why do I have to be social? Why would I want to drink to delirium? Why can't I be an animal lover and be attractive? Why can't I openly admit I want a family? What the hell do you people want from me?! I wear your makeup, I try to find your trendy clothes, I try to stop caring about animals, I TRY to get you people, but I just plain don't, and you all know it! I may as well have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "OUTSIDER!" I just don't get it...People say be yourself, but don't do that, that makes you undesirable to other people. 

See, when people like me feel this way, we hide away. Some will say, "I like math because it is constant and predictable", I like games because they are predictable, I like animals because I understand them, I like children because I understand them. To keep myself from totally blowing up and just giving up on life in general, I hide away...for those of us who have this issue, we seem silly, absent minded, unconcerned. In reality, I hide away because if I didn't, I would lose my mind. I am 24 years old, I am a virgin, I have never been kissed, and I have never been on a date. I have tried everything in my power to be myself and still find a place in this world and it has NOT worked. I get that the real me is not desirable, that I should act like women on TV, but I can't. I am also painfully aware that the chances of my finding someone are slim to none, and that my future family will likely come from adoption or a test tube. Don't tell me I can change myself, I truly can't, and please don't remind me of how unappealing my personality is to the opposite sex, I am already aware of that. Last but not least, if I am in a decent mood about myself, if I am content with who I am for the moment, JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! All it takes is a breath to destroy the thin, flimsy wall that I have built to protect myself. If I need your advice, I will ask, don't just volunteer it...