Anger

Have you ever just felt angry? Blood boiling, ready to snap, angry? For me, it feels like drowning...I have no one to talk to about this anger, I guess that's because I hold on to things, a thought can reopen a wound long since scarred over. All it seems to do is fester inside of me, like a putrid wound, and deep down, I just want to run outside, stand on a box and SCREAM! Scream as loud as I can, then find everyone who has hurt me, big or small, and yell...just  scream every painful ugly thing they have made me experience, make them know my pain is valid...

I know no one will read this, which is why I am posting here on my blog. I want people to know I am worth something, I am worth responding to, I may be weird but I am not creepy and worthless...I deserve respect, I deserve kindness because I bend over backward for people, you need an ear, I'm here, you need something fixed, I got it, you need someone to work, point me in the right direction, but funny how no one is there when I need something. So, I have learned the VERY hard way, the only person I can depend on is me, friends don't really care, my family doesn't care, people I reach out to sure as hell don't care, so pat yourselves on the back, you have broken my spirit...there wasn't much left to be fair, but it is broken. I am drowning in loneliness, but I'm supposed to be strong for everyone else, and if I wasn't so damn scared of the physical pain, I would end things right here and now.

Now that perfect strangers have sat in judgement of me in a public place, saying how weird I am, and creepy, as tears fall down my cheeks, I give in...I give up...people suck, and I am closed down...

Babies and Bouncers and Puking! Oh MY!

No, I am not talking about the newest night club in town. Instead, I am talking about my new job! That's right, this job bench warmer has suited up and joined the big leagues. About a month and a half ago, after a seriously dark period of time and frantic application filings to several local daycare's, I got the call. A local daycare was interested in me as a substitute, I fully admit, I almost peed my pants...I turned these applications in with the impossible dream that maybe ONE of them would grace me with SOMETHING! I mean I would clean cribs for heaven's sake! But by the time the call came, I had nearly forgotten the applications and almost went with plan B, which was to get ANY job possible and go back to Lincoln Land to get the right education to work in daycare.

I had been out of work over a year...tension was so thick I could cut it with a knife in this house...and literally, when I questioned if God was even there...the phone rang! Okay, so I figured subbing wouldn't be too glamorous, not many hours, not great pay, etc. but I knew if I got in, I could work my way up. See how smart I am! ;)

So I had my appointment the very next day to walk around the daycare, if I was interested after hearing what the gal had to say, I would fill out paperwork and be in. Of course, being a Christina story, it can't run smoothly...The next morning, I was all a bundle of nerves and my sister kept saying, isn't your appointment at ten? I kept saying, no, no! 10:30, goose! I set out merrily on my way, much like Little Red Riding Hood, actually, it was a LOT like Little Red Riding Hood...I anxiously walked through those doors and waited a moment for the woman who was interviewing me. Her first words were, "I thought we were meeting at ten?", that's right...I had a stomach falling into the soles of my shoes reaction and the distinct thought that I would either faint, pee, or poop myself...yea, I'm a little dramatic. I think somehow, I managed to mangle out the words, I am so sorry! I thought you said 10:30 about a thousand times, meaning I probably sounded like a deranged parrot. She was fine, but I spent the rest of my time there kicking myself for being late.

We went through all the classrooms, she told me about my duties as a sub, and I learned that subs there weren't like subs elsewhere. See at my job, subs work daily, I don't ask why, I'm just glad we do! We either work all day or several hours in certain classrooms or break teachers. I promise breaking teachers isn't as painful as it sounds. I was in hog heaven! and happily agreed to join the staff. I may or may not have looked like one of those bobble head dogs in a rusty Buick's back window...

So, now I'm in the daycare. It's like every job, it has its ups, kids getting picked up early, and its downs...being puked on four times by other people's children in one day...I was also offered a full time job in the Toddler Room, but haven't heard back since the original offer. I was meant to stay in there a week, if I liked it, I was in. Now, I am working mainly in the Infant Room, the reasoning being that should the Infant sub need to take a day off, I could work there and if I needed a day off, she could work Toddlers, but that was a few weeks ago. Aaaany way...I'm still getting good hours, finding my niche and failing a lot, but also learning. I really love the Infant Room now, and even though one of their teachers says I will probably be full time in there, I HIGHLY doubt it. At this point, just taking things one day at a time and thanking God each night that I have a job!

Insert Pretty Title Here...

Lately, I've been feeling almost confident in myself, something that is truly amazing! I had started to feel okay about myself, but anymore, I don't think so...I feel once again reminded that my vain attempt at acclimation to this world was just a charade, like it always is. I am glad God gave me life, that He deemed me worthy of traversing this world, but sometimes I wonder if I REALLY belong here. My entire life, I have felt like an outsider, in all honesty, I don't even get myself half the time! There are parts of my mind I don't go in to, okay so I peek sometimes...but those areas are mysteries to me.

I feel like an alien, I watch humans interact, I see what is important to the average person, but I just don't get it. Why is a pair of designer jeans so important? Why would I need thirty pairs of heels? Do I HAVE to be a social butterfly? Why do I have to be social? Why would I want to drink to delirium? Why can't I be an animal lover and be attractive? Why can't I openly admit I want a family? What the hell do you people want from me?! I wear your makeup, I try to find your trendy clothes, I try to stop caring about animals, I TRY to get you people, but I just plain don't, and you all know it! I may as well have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "OUTSIDER!" I just don't get it...People say be yourself, but don't do that, that makes you undesirable to other people. 

See, when people like me feel this way, we hide away. Some will say, "I like math because it is constant and predictable", I like games because they are predictable, I like animals because I understand them, I like children because I understand them. To keep myself from totally blowing up and just giving up on life in general, I hide away...for those of us who have this issue, we seem silly, absent minded, unconcerned. In reality, I hide away because if I didn't, I would lose my mind. I am 24 years old, I am a virgin, I have never been kissed, and I have never been on a date. I have tried everything in my power to be myself and still find a place in this world and it has NOT worked. I get that the real me is not desirable, that I should act like women on TV, but I can't. I am also painfully aware that the chances of my finding someone are slim to none, and that my future family will likely come from adoption or a test tube. Don't tell me I can change myself, I truly can't, and please don't remind me of how unappealing my personality is to the opposite sex, I am already aware of that. Last but not least, if I am in a decent mood about myself, if I am content with who I am for the moment, JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! All it takes is a breath to destroy the thin, flimsy wall that I have built to protect myself. If I need your advice, I will ask, don't just volunteer it...

KITTENS!

God always knows how and when to break people out of a funk and boy, is my funk blown to smithereens!

A couple of days ago, the sweetest little kitty cat came up our back steps and started meowing, we often joke on how these cats seem to find us! I fell rather hard, the kitty was so sweet and wanted in so badly! but we knew we couldn't have another cat, the house is just too full as is. As cold as this will sound, I hoped the little kitty would find her way home or away from our house so I wouldn't pine over her, and for a day or so it worked. I looked outside, no kitty cat, I was outside for a time, no kitty cat, I figured she had found her way home. The week so far has been overcast and threatening rain with patches of sunshine, today that changed! It was dark when I got up, and rained and stormed a bit after I got up. After the last blog post, another storm rolled in and I closed all the windows but one, one of the windows in the foyer. I went back to the computer, sat on the couch and vegged until I heard this pitiful little mewing...The storm was closing in and my gut fell into my shoes...I snuck to the window, didn't see anything, then opened the door and poked my head out...sure enough, there was the kitty meowing and whining. I felt horrible...I agonized over whether or not to let the poor thing in, but when the storm really started, I opened the door and let her in. I rationalized this move by saying, "only until the storm passes".

I mean really, WHO could say no to THAT face? Okay, I'm an animal push over...

So here I was, sitting in our doorway as thunder ripped through the sky, and this little kitty was all over me like stink on poop! She crawled all over me, I put my arms up to support her, and she used my breasts as a makeshift bed. She snuggled me, nuzzled me, and then we moved to the couch. I thought this kitty HAD to belong to someone, she was so sweet and completely unafraid to come into the house. I decided to snap some pictures, and I made the discovery...she was pregnant...Her breasts were swollen, her tummy was big in JUST the right area...I HAD to find this cats home. (This was paused a good twenty minutes because something big happened, TWO more something big's!)

If you bring a kitty in from the rain when you're in a funk...

Well, Kitty and I snuggled on the couch, and when I went to the restroom, she followed along. I could tell by her interest in our cats food that she was hungry! Our cats are chubsters...but my Dad's former work cat isn't, my cats eat diet food, Scruffy eats wet. I gave Kitty some wet food, and she ate three helping bowls of it! WOW! I went back to the couch after that, she followed and then I noticed something...something yellow green coming from her backside...I immediately shot to, "holy cow she lost her mucus plug!"...I did a few quick Google searches, I've never been around a cat giving birth and I wanted to make sure she had a nest if she needed it.

She went downstairs, then I shot down to grab a laundry basket and some old towels, and of course handle laundry...wouldn't you know, today of all days is the day there was a TON to be taken care of! I was able to get the laundry shuffled around, grabbed the towels, basket, and lured Kitty upstairs. Dad came home minutes after I put her in the nest and informed him she was in labor...

God will make sure she is pregnant...

She snuggled in, turned, and tossed, and turned some more then I heard a horrible screaming! She sounded awful...and before I knew it, out popped one! She got to work cleaning number one, and he or she snuggled in and started suckling. A little while later, I heard another squeal, not nearly as ear splitting and awful as the first...another little one came slipping out! She set out to wash that one up as well, and like big sibling, this one took to the nipple like a champ. I waited, and waited, checked by her private and saw the placenta coming out. After a while, I stupidly looked over and saw her chomping down on the placenta...It was disgusting and fascinating at the same time...

Ready to pop...and here comes baby one.

Number one, finding a spot to suckle.

Baby number two's debut!

Number two trying to snuggle and suckle.

Mommy wasn't feeling the camera anymore...

And we're all asleep! Until...

Baby number three made his or her debut!

The one who didn't seem to know where to suckle...

Soon after I heard that odd pop and squish and...

Out popped baby four!

Final family beauty shot...for now!

We all rested, I went upstairs later to take a shower and handle laundry and came back to find Dad had covered the nest with another towel to eliminate prying kitty eyes. So we relaxed some more, brought Momma some food which she gobbled down, and then...I heard her squeal! I pulled the top towel off just in time to see baby number three come down the hatch. I almost fell off the couch! I thought we were done? I grabbed a glove to help because this baby wasn't being cleaned as well as big siblings and was not suckling. As I struggled with that one, I heard this odd gushy pop and saw number four come barreling out...WOW! I still had the glove on and when Mommy stopped cleaning four, I cleared his or her nose of placenta gunk. Right now, three are latched and snuggling and I hear the sweet little slurping sound of kittens, and one is trying to find a nipple, I think it MAY have found one. When I said I stopped, it was because TWO babies were born! I will be updating this post, please check back. I hesitate to try to load pictures because I was planning on doing that, then another kitten popped out! Tonight, it has been POURING! The thunder and lightning has been ripping through, and I hate to THINK where these babies would have been born without us here for them. I want to give a HUGE thank you to my parents for putting up with this, I had NO idea what I was getting in to when I let her in. I also want to say thank you to God for sending this miracle my way, two months to the day after losing my precious baby girl, five kitties enter my life and change it forever, and less than 24 hours after a friend passes, this happens, incidentally, I believe my friend was a BIG cat lover. Oh and the funniest part? Mommy cat has the EXACT same coloration as my dog Comet, how weird is that?! Okay, I'll try to add pictures now, if it doesn't happen, you'll know why! LOL!

So much messiness!

Well...today marks two months exactly since Cleo left this earth and I think I miss her more and more every day. Things are just WAY too quiet without her...Over the past few weeks, my little rain cloud came back, lets just say I did NOT miss it at all. Everything seems to go wrong, and though many of those things are little, they pile up so high I just want to scream. Dropping stuff, spilling things, running in to things, just feels like a little cloud keeps raining on me and I'm having sleep issues bleh. I wish this were a more cheerful post, a post full of happiness but it's just not a very good day...I woke up today, after a horrible night...my least favorite visitor came yesterday and last night the cramps were the worst I've had in AGES! I spent an hour downstairs in pain after waking up every hour on the hour to use the restroom, giving me a rough total of about four hours of sleep. When I popped onto the computer, I was shocked and heartbroken by what I saw...a dear internet friend passed away yesterday and my heart just broke. I had never met this lovely woman, but we played games on Facebook together for a long while and she was always so sweet to everyone! She was everyone's cheerleader, she doted on us, encouraged us, picked us up when we were down and the thought of her sudden passing is crushing me. The past few months have just been tough, no way around that diagnosis...tough enough that I don't care about the fact my birthday is coming up, I haven't gone out to get anything for my party, just wrote up a little list of gifts yesterday, and to be honest, my heart just isn't in it this year. I truly hate feeling this way, especially with the mixed emotions...My dear friend posted a picture of one of my favorite hunks on my page last night, not the one who passed, so on one hand I was smiling and drooling a little over that, and then BAM I get the news about Jeanie. I really have to wonder if the world took me seriously when I said, "I'm not stupid enough to say, 'what else could go wrong'", even though I stated after that it was JUST an observation NOT a challenge. The farm, remembering Cleo, my friend Jeanie's passing, I feel like I'm cracking under the pressure. I have even tried to work out some dialogue or story line for my book, but my brain just will NOT allow it, it spits out these worthless bits of nothing...Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable, I just really needed to vent over this, I need some good news stat.

Edit - There is one thing that keeps me halfway sane, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy playing on Netflix! I'll post a piece from my favorite guest character, Fred Fredburger! I know the quality sucks, but the stuff is hilarious! XD Back in high school, one of my best friends and I LOVE The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, she was Mandy, I was Billy, for obvious reasons! I even named my car after Billy. <3

Fred Fredburger!

Oh and I can't forget the episode with Abraham Lincoln. XD Billy and Mandy Befriend Lincoln.

The Road So Far...

Why yes, my title IS stolen from Supernatural...Anyway, instead of the cryptic nonsense that seems to be getting me nowhere, I thought I'd be a bit more clear...

Facebook and the lack there of, yes I know it is meant for connecting with friends and family and sharing daily life and all of that, but it gets a bit boring when NO ONE pays attention...I can count on one hand, usually one finger, the number of people who seem to care or pay attention. Yes I know, I should pretend that I don't need attention, that I can happily be a shrinking Violet and never think twice but I'm NOT! I want attention, I want people to notice I'm here, or that I'm not here!

The sudden cryptic change, I've tried EVERYTHING for this blog...I've tried giving blow by blows of my day, I've tried being sunshine and rainbow farts, I've tried to vent, I've tried to be ME but what does it get me? NOTHING! This might hurt feelings but you know what? After worrying about EVERYONE'S feelings, I just don't care much...After holding everyone's hands, patting their shoulders, carrying them, listening, etc. etc. etc. I WANT SOME FREAKING ATTENTION! Again, I know I shouldn't admit this, but dang it! I need love too!

Keeping everyone but immediate family and my surrogate Mommy Sheila at arms length...see the above. Maybe I'm throwing a tantrum, I think I've earned it after being so sweet and sugary...Every time I talk to people, minus the above stated, I feel like a drooling moron...When I was in school last year, I had a teacher, in time I reconciled my ill feelings for her, but whenever I spoke in class, she stared at me alternately like I had worms crawling out of my nose or like I should keep talking...The only issue was the more I spoke, the less sense I made and the more embarrassed I got...Just ONCE I wanted her to hear what I said and go, "That is an AWESOME thought! Lets take her thought and run with it...blah blah blah" like she did with the girl behind me...When I talk to anyone anymore it seems like I am in that class again, with that teacher staring at me waiting for me to make sense or shut up and I don't know about you all, but it pisses me off to feel that way...

This blog...::Points to the above.:: This blog gets about as much attention as I get on Facebook, and when I pour my heart and soul out onto a piece of paper, a little conversation or shoulder patting is appreciated. Of course by now, I'm frustrated enough with life that shoulder patting may just be a very dangerous thing to do...

Stress, lets see...School, a job, social issues, family issues, future issues...life...I'm just simply exhausted, I need to escape. Oh and if ANYONE says ANYTHING about loving myself and not worrying about what others think or anything like that, I may just eat you...Once in a while we ALL need outside acceptance so stow the psycho babble...Now, if anyone is still reading, the best way to contact me is through email if you have it, if not, well, I guess you just gotta wait for me to get out of this funk, heaven help you if you decide to wait...

Smell the flowers...

Sometimes all one needs is a little Buttercup...

A brand new Hyacinth...

And the knowledge that Spring and new life have arrived to wake that little voice up and whisper, "I'll try again tomorrow".