Babies and Bouncers and Puking! Oh MY!

No, I am not talking about the newest night club in town. Instead, I am talking about my new job! That's right, this job bench warmer has suited up and joined the big leagues. About a month and a half ago, after a seriously dark period of time and frantic application filings to several local daycare's, I got the call. A local daycare was interested in me as a substitute, I fully admit, I almost peed my pants...I turned these applications in with the impossible dream that maybe ONE of them would grace me with SOMETHING! I mean I would clean cribs for heaven's sake! But by the time the call came, I had nearly forgotten the applications and almost went with plan B, which was to get ANY job possible and go back to Lincoln Land to get the right education to work in daycare.

I had been out of work over a year...tension was so thick I could cut it with a knife in this house...and literally, when I questioned if God was even there...the phone rang! Okay, so I figured subbing wouldn't be too glamorous, not many hours, not great pay, etc. but I knew if I got in, I could work my way up. See how smart I am! ;)

So I had my appointment the very next day to walk around the daycare, if I was interested after hearing what the gal had to say, I would fill out paperwork and be in. Of course, being a Christina story, it can't run smoothly...The next morning, I was all a bundle of nerves and my sister kept saying, isn't your appointment at ten? I kept saying, no, no! 10:30, goose! I set out merrily on my way, much like Little Red Riding Hood, actually, it was a LOT like Little Red Riding Hood...I anxiously walked through those doors and waited a moment for the woman who was interviewing me. Her first words were, "I thought we were meeting at ten?", that's right...I had a stomach falling into the soles of my shoes reaction and the distinct thought that I would either faint, pee, or poop myself...yea, I'm a little dramatic. I think somehow, I managed to mangle out the words, I am so sorry! I thought you said 10:30 about a thousand times, meaning I probably sounded like a deranged parrot. She was fine, but I spent the rest of my time there kicking myself for being late.

We went through all the classrooms, she told me about my duties as a sub, and I learned that subs there weren't like subs elsewhere. See at my job, subs work daily, I don't ask why, I'm just glad we do! We either work all day or several hours in certain classrooms or break teachers. I promise breaking teachers isn't as painful as it sounds. I was in hog heaven! and happily agreed to join the staff. I may or may not have looked like one of those bobble head dogs in a rusty Buick's back window...

So, now I'm in the daycare. It's like every job, it has its ups, kids getting picked up early, and its downs...being puked on four times by other people's children in one day...I was also offered a full time job in the Toddler Room, but haven't heard back since the original offer. I was meant to stay in there a week, if I liked it, I was in. Now, I am working mainly in the Infant Room, the reasoning being that should the Infant sub need to take a day off, I could work there and if I needed a day off, she could work Toddlers, but that was a few weeks ago. Aaaany way...I'm still getting good hours, finding my niche and failing a lot, but also learning. I really love the Infant Room now, and even though one of their teachers says I will probably be full time in there, I HIGHLY doubt it. At this point, just taking things one day at a time and thanking God each night that I have a job!

Insert Pretty Title Here...

Lately, I've been feeling almost confident in myself, something that is truly amazing! I had started to feel okay about myself, but anymore, I don't think so...I feel once again reminded that my vain attempt at acclimation to this world was just a charade, like it always is. I am glad God gave me life, that He deemed me worthy of traversing this world, but sometimes I wonder if I REALLY belong here. My entire life, I have felt like an outsider, in all honesty, I don't even get myself half the time! There are parts of my mind I don't go in to, okay so I peek sometimes...but those areas are mysteries to me.

I feel like an alien, I watch humans interact, I see what is important to the average person, but I just don't get it. Why is a pair of designer jeans so important? Why would I need thirty pairs of heels? Do I HAVE to be a social butterfly? Why do I have to be social? Why would I want to drink to delirium? Why can't I be an animal lover and be attractive? Why can't I openly admit I want a family? What the hell do you people want from me?! I wear your makeup, I try to find your trendy clothes, I try to stop caring about animals, I TRY to get you people, but I just plain don't, and you all know it! I may as well have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "OUTSIDER!" I just don't get it...People say be yourself, but don't do that, that makes you undesirable to other people. 

See, when people like me feel this way, we hide away. Some will say, "I like math because it is constant and predictable", I like games because they are predictable, I like animals because I understand them, I like children because I understand them. To keep myself from totally blowing up and just giving up on life in general, I hide away...for those of us who have this issue, we seem silly, absent minded, unconcerned. In reality, I hide away because if I didn't, I would lose my mind. I am 24 years old, I am a virgin, I have never been kissed, and I have never been on a date. I have tried everything in my power to be myself and still find a place in this world and it has NOT worked. I get that the real me is not desirable, that I should act like women on TV, but I can't. I am also painfully aware that the chances of my finding someone are slim to none, and that my future family will likely come from adoption or a test tube. Don't tell me I can change myself, I truly can't, and please don't remind me of how unappealing my personality is to the opposite sex, I am already aware of that. Last but not least, if I am in a decent mood about myself, if I am content with who I am for the moment, JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! All it takes is a breath to destroy the thin, flimsy wall that I have built to protect myself. If I need your advice, I will ask, don't just volunteer it...

KITTENS!

God always knows how and when to break people out of a funk and boy, is my funk blown to smithereens!

A couple of days ago, the sweetest little kitty cat came up our back steps and started meowing, we often joke on how these cats seem to find us! I fell rather hard, the kitty was so sweet and wanted in so badly! but we knew we couldn't have another cat, the house is just too full as is. As cold as this will sound, I hoped the little kitty would find her way home or away from our house so I wouldn't pine over her, and for a day or so it worked. I looked outside, no kitty cat, I was outside for a time, no kitty cat, I figured she had found her way home. The week so far has been overcast and threatening rain with patches of sunshine, today that changed! It was dark when I got up, and rained and stormed a bit after I got up. After the last blog post, another storm rolled in and I closed all the windows but one, one of the windows in the foyer. I went back to the computer, sat on the couch and vegged until I heard this pitiful little mewing...The storm was closing in and my gut fell into my shoes...I snuck to the window, didn't see anything, then opened the door and poked my head out...sure enough, there was the kitty meowing and whining. I felt horrible...I agonized over whether or not to let the poor thing in, but when the storm really started, I opened the door and let her in. I rationalized this move by saying, "only until the storm passes".

I mean really, WHO could say no to THAT face? Okay, I'm an animal push over...

So here I was, sitting in our doorway as thunder ripped through the sky, and this little kitty was all over me like stink on poop! She crawled all over me, I put my arms up to support her, and she used my breasts as a makeshift bed. She snuggled me, nuzzled me, and then we moved to the couch. I thought this kitty HAD to belong to someone, she was so sweet and completely unafraid to come into the house. I decided to snap some pictures, and I made the discovery...she was pregnant...Her breasts were swollen, her tummy was big in JUST the right area...I HAD to find this cats home. (This was paused a good twenty minutes because something big happened, TWO more something big's!)

If you bring a kitty in from the rain when you're in a funk...

Well, Kitty and I snuggled on the couch, and when I went to the restroom, she followed along. I could tell by her interest in our cats food that she was hungry! Our cats are chubsters...but my Dad's former work cat isn't, my cats eat diet food, Scruffy eats wet. I gave Kitty some wet food, and she ate three helping bowls of it! WOW! I went back to the couch after that, she followed and then I noticed something...something yellow green coming from her backside...I immediately shot to, "holy cow she lost her mucus plug!"...I did a few quick Google searches, I've never been around a cat giving birth and I wanted to make sure she had a nest if she needed it.

She went downstairs, then I shot down to grab a laundry basket and some old towels, and of course handle laundry...wouldn't you know, today of all days is the day there was a TON to be taken care of! I was able to get the laundry shuffled around, grabbed the towels, basket, and lured Kitty upstairs. Dad came home minutes after I put her in the nest and informed him she was in labor...

God will make sure she is pregnant...

She snuggled in, turned, and tossed, and turned some more then I heard a horrible screaming! She sounded awful...and before I knew it, out popped one! She got to work cleaning number one, and he or she snuggled in and started suckling. A little while later, I heard another squeal, not nearly as ear splitting and awful as the first...another little one came slipping out! She set out to wash that one up as well, and like big sibling, this one took to the nipple like a champ. I waited, and waited, checked by her private and saw the placenta coming out. After a while, I stupidly looked over and saw her chomping down on the placenta...It was disgusting and fascinating at the same time...

Ready to pop...and here comes baby one.

Number one, finding a spot to suckle.

Baby number two's debut!

Number two trying to snuggle and suckle.

Mommy wasn't feeling the camera anymore...

And we're all asleep! Until...

Baby number three made his or her debut!

The one who didn't seem to know where to suckle...

Soon after I heard that odd pop and squish and...

Out popped baby four!

Final family beauty shot...for now!

We all rested, I went upstairs later to take a shower and handle laundry and came back to find Dad had covered the nest with another towel to eliminate prying kitty eyes. So we relaxed some more, brought Momma some food which she gobbled down, and then...I heard her squeal! I pulled the top towel off just in time to see baby number three come down the hatch. I almost fell off the couch! I thought we were done? I grabbed a glove to help because this baby wasn't being cleaned as well as big siblings and was not suckling. As I struggled with that one, I heard this odd gushy pop and saw number four come barreling out...WOW! I still had the glove on and when Mommy stopped cleaning four, I cleared his or her nose of placenta gunk. Right now, three are latched and snuggling and I hear the sweet little slurping sound of kittens, and one is trying to find a nipple, I think it MAY have found one. When I said I stopped, it was because TWO babies were born! I will be updating this post, please check back. I hesitate to try to load pictures because I was planning on doing that, then another kitten popped out! Tonight, it has been POURING! The thunder and lightning has been ripping through, and I hate to THINK where these babies would have been born without us here for them. I want to give a HUGE thank you to my parents for putting up with this, I had NO idea what I was getting in to when I let her in. I also want to say thank you to God for sending this miracle my way, two months to the day after losing my precious baby girl, five kitties enter my life and change it forever, and less than 24 hours after a friend passes, this happens, incidentally, I believe my friend was a BIG cat lover. Oh and the funniest part? Mommy cat has the EXACT same coloration as my dog Comet, how weird is that?! Okay, I'll try to add pictures now, if it doesn't happen, you'll know why! LOL!

So much messiness!

Well...today marks two months exactly since Cleo left this earth and I think I miss her more and more every day. Things are just WAY too quiet without her...Over the past few weeks, my little rain cloud came back, lets just say I did NOT miss it at all. Everything seems to go wrong, and though many of those things are little, they pile up so high I just want to scream. Dropping stuff, spilling things, running in to things, just feels like a little cloud keeps raining on me and I'm having sleep issues bleh. I wish this were a more cheerful post, a post full of happiness but it's just not a very good day...I woke up today, after a horrible night...my least favorite visitor came yesterday and last night the cramps were the worst I've had in AGES! I spent an hour downstairs in pain after waking up every hour on the hour to use the restroom, giving me a rough total of about four hours of sleep. When I popped onto the computer, I was shocked and heartbroken by what I saw...a dear internet friend passed away yesterday and my heart just broke. I had never met this lovely woman, but we played games on Facebook together for a long while and she was always so sweet to everyone! She was everyone's cheerleader, she doted on us, encouraged us, picked us up when we were down and the thought of her sudden passing is crushing me. The past few months have just been tough, no way around that diagnosis...tough enough that I don't care about the fact my birthday is coming up, I haven't gone out to get anything for my party, just wrote up a little list of gifts yesterday, and to be honest, my heart just isn't in it this year. I truly hate feeling this way, especially with the mixed emotions...My dear friend posted a picture of one of my favorite hunks on my page last night, not the one who passed, so on one hand I was smiling and drooling a little over that, and then BAM I get the news about Jeanie. I really have to wonder if the world took me seriously when I said, "I'm not stupid enough to say, 'what else could go wrong'", even though I stated after that it was JUST an observation NOT a challenge. The farm, remembering Cleo, my friend Jeanie's passing, I feel like I'm cracking under the pressure. I have even tried to work out some dialogue or story line for my book, but my brain just will NOT allow it, it spits out these worthless bits of nothing...Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable, I just really needed to vent over this, I need some good news stat.

Edit - There is one thing that keeps me halfway sane, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy playing on Netflix! I'll post a piece from my favorite guest character, Fred Fredburger! I know the quality sucks, but the stuff is hilarious! XD Back in high school, one of my best friends and I LOVE The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, she was Mandy, I was Billy, for obvious reasons! I even named my car after Billy. <3

Fred Fredburger!

Oh and I can't forget the episode with Abraham Lincoln. XD Billy and Mandy Befriend Lincoln.

The Road So Far...

Why yes, my title IS stolen from Supernatural...Anyway, instead of the cryptic nonsense that seems to be getting me nowhere, I thought I'd be a bit more clear...

Facebook and the lack there of, yes I know it is meant for connecting with friends and family and sharing daily life and all of that, but it gets a bit boring when NO ONE pays attention...I can count on one hand, usually one finger, the number of people who seem to care or pay attention. Yes I know, I should pretend that I don't need attention, that I can happily be a shrinking Violet and never think twice but I'm NOT! I want attention, I want people to notice I'm here, or that I'm not here!

The sudden cryptic change, I've tried EVERYTHING for this blog...I've tried giving blow by blows of my day, I've tried being sunshine and rainbow farts, I've tried to vent, I've tried to be ME but what does it get me? NOTHING! This might hurt feelings but you know what? After worrying about EVERYONE'S feelings, I just don't care much...After holding everyone's hands, patting their shoulders, carrying them, listening, etc. etc. etc. I WANT SOME FREAKING ATTENTION! Again, I know I shouldn't admit this, but dang it! I need love too!

Keeping everyone but immediate family and my surrogate Mommy Sheila at arms length...see the above. Maybe I'm throwing a tantrum, I think I've earned it after being so sweet and sugary...Every time I talk to people, minus the above stated, I feel like a drooling moron...When I was in school last year, I had a teacher, in time I reconciled my ill feelings for her, but whenever I spoke in class, she stared at me alternately like I had worms crawling out of my nose or like I should keep talking...The only issue was the more I spoke, the less sense I made and the more embarrassed I got...Just ONCE I wanted her to hear what I said and go, "That is an AWESOME thought! Lets take her thought and run with it...blah blah blah" like she did with the girl behind me...When I talk to anyone anymore it seems like I am in that class again, with that teacher staring at me waiting for me to make sense or shut up and I don't know about you all, but it pisses me off to feel that way...

This blog...::Points to the above.:: This blog gets about as much attention as I get on Facebook, and when I pour my heart and soul out onto a piece of paper, a little conversation or shoulder patting is appreciated. Of course by now, I'm frustrated enough with life that shoulder patting may just be a very dangerous thing to do...

Stress, lets see...School, a job, social issues, family issues, future issues...life...I'm just simply exhausted, I need to escape. Oh and if ANYONE says ANYTHING about loving myself and not worrying about what others think or anything like that, I may just eat you...Once in a while we ALL need outside acceptance so stow the psycho babble...Now, if anyone is still reading, the best way to contact me is through email if you have it, if not, well, I guess you just gotta wait for me to get out of this funk, heaven help you if you decide to wait...

Smell the flowers...

Sometimes all one needs is a little Buttercup...

A brand new Hyacinth...

And the knowledge that Spring and new life have arrived to wake that little voice up and whisper, "I'll try again tomorrow".

Nothing really good...

I don't really have much good to report about yesterday...I guess I should set the scene starting a LONG LONG time ago when I was knee high to a grasshopper. My Grandparents house was always my wonderland, it was always a simple small home, two stories, wood siding and just big enough for a family of four to grow up in. My Grandparents home is tucked away in the trees on a hill DEEP in the country, I'm not kidding, think banjos and Wrong Turn and you'll have where my Grandparents live. They have lived in this home since they were married, my Mom was brought home from the hospital here and raised along with her baby brother. When one reaches the driveway, one must walk along the gravely dirt drive up to the small sidewalk, the sidewalk is made of haphazardly placed bits of concrete that lead to the small porch, and as the years have passed, these once fairly straight bits of concrete have become a bit treacherous...In my years, Grandpa has put up a simple wood railing to help Grandma who fell and broke her ankle on that sidewalk when my Mom was a very young lady.

When one has reached the end of the sidewalk, one comes to the porch. Part of the porch is concrete, the other part is wooden as the underside of the pantry/half of the porch is open. In the days of my childhood, this porch was always somewhat covered, there was and still is an old cabinet covered in Grandpa's odds and ends, some odd bits of farm equipment and my Grandma's old washing machine, yes it is a hand crank one. Grandpa also kept lots of wood on the porch, now there are just odd bits everywhere...The roof over the porch is tin, and when I was a wee girl, the columns holding the roof up were thick and strong. On the porch are screen doors with heavy wooden doors behind them, the one on the concrete leads to the living room, the one on the wooden part leads to the kitchen, oh and the doors in my Grandparents house used to be opened by old iron keys, no modern locks on that house anywhere. The living room door is a solid thick wood, the kitchen door is thick and solid with a window near the top. 

When entering the kitchen, now I will first say how the house USED to be, not how it is today...In the old days, one would see the stove immediately by the kitchen door, and straight across from the door was the wood burning stove for heat, usually piled up with Grandpa's arrowheads and other odds and ends. Across from the stove was the kitchen sink and cabinets, on either side of a mirror above the sink were the cabinets that held dishes, then the drawers next to the sink that held silverware. The cabinets were metal, the same as when Mom was a little girl, and were covered with a handful of magnets. Beneath the sink was the cord for the water pump and other odds and ends for cleaning. Beside the stove was a caddy that held soups and dry goods. Between the cabinets and stove was the door to the pantry, the pantry walls were covered in food and cleaning items, the door had an old hook...

Aside from the outside doors, ALL the doors in my Grandparents house have latches like this, some have proper thumb latches, but most are like this.

Though the pantry door was only EVER closed when we took baths, which takes me to another point...When I was a little girl, my grandparents only had cold running water in their house, that means they would heat water on the stove, took spits baths, and had an outhouse. Yes I have done ALL of that. At the very back of the pantry was a window, next to the window was the old fridge, I'm pretty sure it was the only one they ever bought...It had a pull lever that opened a GIANT door, this fridge was from the 1950s just so I make myself clear, and on the back wall was the matching chest freezer from the 1950s. In the middle of the room was the old wooden table surrounded by sturdy wooden chairs, a window was placed on the back wall, beside it was the sewing table, across the table next to the cabinets was the other window and a small closet with the same latch as above. Next to the table was the china hutch, and the door to the upstairs portion of the house. On either side of the wood stove were a sturdy wooden chair and a rocking chair, next to the sewing table was the back door with a glass and wood screen door and sturdy wooden door, and behind that door was the small caddy holding papers and other odds and ends. Between the caddy and rocking chair was the doorway to the living room, this doorway had a door that was always open and again sported the same latch. Going into the living room behind the door was our game cabinet with board games and little toys from my Mom and Uncles childhoods, a desk was right next to this, then a window, and then the couch. Going to the other side of the room was Grandpa's chair and the coffee table in front of the couch and between the couch and Grandpa's chair. Behind his chair was a small glass and metal shelf set attached to the window that looked out on the side yard, next to Grandpa's chair was the piano. Again one turns and faces the TV and behind the TV is the last window in the living room, then Grandpa's bookshelf covered with books and Native American artifacts, next to that is the door to the porch. Turning again, nearly 360 now, one would have seen Grandma's old flower patterned chair sitting in front of the buffet table and next to the wood stove in the living room that was used for heating. Walking back through the living room to the kitchen and up the steps, oh and the stairs were spiraled like below...

Grandpa and Grandma's stairs are painted orange, much rougher shape than this, but you get the idea of how steep they are...

After going upstairs, one is greeted by a half wall and window on the opposite side. When one reaches the very top, one is greeted by Grandma's dresser and traveling along the wall is the small twin bed that my Uncle used, a small window at the head, and between the head and wall is a chest of drawers. Across the room is my Grandparents bed, the opposite wall sports a side table, small window close to the floor, and chest of drawers. Heading straight forward and through another doorway, one enters my Mom's old bedroom. Going around the room is a small chest of drawers, chair, another short chest of drawers, a small window near the floor, and chest. Going along the other side is a free standing closet, large window that faces the side yard, the window at the other end of the upstairs faces the fields, then another free standing closet. Turning again is the storage area that I don't go into...It has another small window or two near the floor, then on the last side is another short chest of drawers and in the middle, Mom's bed. I really hope that was clear enough...

Grandpa and Grandma's house used to be my Wonderland, tucked so far back that I could just roam and play til my hearts content! I could wander in the barn, play with the animals, and just be a kid. I can remember going to bed in the evening in the little twin sized bed upstairs, snuggling under an old quilt and breathing in the clean smell of the country. Grandpa and Grandma would draw the makeshift curtain that split their room and the area I was sleeping in and out would go the lights. I can remember so well lying in the dark before sleep, waving my hand before my eyes and not being able to see a thing! I remember listening to my Grandpa's rather loud snores, and drifting off to sleep. I can also remember opening my eyes with the sun drifting in lazily through the gauzy curtains that hung in the big window, my feet would hit the cold wooden floor and I would scamper downstairs for breakfast. I would flip the little latch and emerge, I can still see my Grandpa smiling at the table as I emerged saying, "good morning!" as he sat and read the paper while Grandma cooked. I would smile lazily and shuffle toward Dad who would be in the living room putting away the pull out bed. When I was an infant and we visited, my older sister would sleep in the twin bed, my parents would share the big bed in Mom's old room, and I would sleep in my play pen. As I grew older, Dad would sleep on the pullout bed in the living room and Michele and Mom would share the big bed. Every morning the radio in the living room would be BLARING the news as the smells of coffee, eggs, bacon, juice, and milk filled the air from the kitchen. I would usually wander around until breakfast or sit in the living room and watch one of the three available channels on TV. In time, Grandma called us all in for breakfast and when I was a wee thing, I would sit in the fold up booster seat, I felt so important in that chair! We would dig in, some mornings were hot meals, others were cereal but somehow, everything tasted better there! I would pour sugar onto my Cheerios from the plastic sugar bowl, and pour milk from Grandma's etched glass milk jug. Mom and Grandma would do dishes and the rest of the day was all ours! We would roam the fields, feed the cows or pigs, play in the yard, and sometimes watch TV in the quiet hours before and after lunch. As the shadows in the house got longer, Grandma would be in the kitchen again making some delicious feast, usually ham or another meat, green beans or other veggies, bread and butter, milk, and anything we could possibly want! I was a picky eater, and Grandma went out of her way to accommodate me, she really is an angel amongst women! She would give me cottage cheese, by Green Giant green beans and make a can JUST for me because I didn't like the bacon sauteed green beans. When I was young, I didn't help much with dishes but as I grew, I was right beside Grandma helping. We would play again or just relax as a family, and finally Grandma had a chance to sit and relax in the living room with us all. Evening would start to dawn, and Grandma went back to the kitchen to feed us again, and after another delicious Grandma meal, washed dishes, and finished spits baths, we kids would snuggle into our pajamas, play on the living room floor and watch TV. In the Summer when the nights were cool and crisp, we would leave the living room door open to feel the cool clean breeze as the TV hummed and Grandma would put her hair in curlers. When the time was right, we ascended the stairs and snuggled into bed to sleep and start it all over again...

That was my life for MANY years, making the long trip up to their house and just having a BLAST! Animals, the outdoors, it was just heavenly for me, of course I saw life through a child's eyes...As I grew older, my Grandfather's true colors began to surface, between age and his own stubbornness the house fell into disrepair...In time the pump stopped working, my Grandmother nearly died from sepsis and had to rest in a nursing home for a long while...The house has become unlivable...we can no longer stay there over night, we can't even eat in the house...The pantry has nearly fallen off the house, my Dad's patience with Grandpa has totally died, the cows and pigs are gone, cats are literally falling into the pantry through holes in the ceiling...The screen door to the kitchen is destroyed and two of the three doors in the downstairs are secured by knives or screwdrivers...the grace of God is the only thing holding that place up...

Even though the house was hellish, I found refuge in my dogs, and as everyone knows, Comet died last July and I hadn't been to the house since...We went due to issues my Grandpa got into and being in the woods and fields was AMAZING! I played pretend, found a beautiful circle of wildflowers and we also found HUGE cougar tracks. We met my second cousin Allen, he had gotten wind of the issues at the farm and came to document some things to help, thank goodness he was there! We chatted then headed to another field, and we proceeded to get stuck in the mud...we tried everything and nothing worked...Michele was able to call Allen and left a message, then Dad and Michele went off to look for Allen to have him pull us out. We were finally out thanks to cousin Allen, and we headed to the house...It just gets worse every time we visit and Grandpa is too stubborn to leave...yes, he has the money to move. Anyone know that song, "Where I Come From" from Montgomery Gentry? There is a line that says "That old man right there in the rocking chair at the courthouse where I'll tell you now, he could buy your fancy car, with hundred dollar bills", yea that's my Grandpa. Anyway...we got to the house, it was awful, the poor barn is also barely holding on...Well I've had three dogs in the past 10+ years and they have lived together a long time, Comet came first, then Lilly, and Sookie. Comet and Lilly are my daughters and Sookie is my Granddaughter being that she is Lilly's daughter. I heard the news Sookie was pregnant, and she was beneath the house, we didn't know but she had recently popped and was with her puppies. Though I didn't have Comet, I knew I had to be there again for Lilly and Sookie...I called for Lilly but she didn't come around, I went inside and asked Mom what was going on, and she told me Lilly had disappeared a few weeks before...I was crushed...I had lost both my girls and Sookie is so skiddish she won't let me pet her...I hate to say this, but without my dogs, my Grandparents house is nothing to me anymore...The house is hell, the land is all but destroyed, my dogs are gone, the other animals are gone, I just don't want to go back unless I can play in the woods alone...Going on a walk alone just doesn't feel right, I want my girls back! Needless to say, I am crushed...I've been working so hard on being happy and positive keeping the old head up, but I give up...I'm still stressed, my family is stressed, my Wonderland is gone, I just give up...chances are this will be the last blog post for a long, long, long time, or maybe even the last blog post ever. I'm just too worn out...

I'm not feeling smart enough for a title...

Well, for now at least, THIS signature has won out over the other, of course the other is still saved away. I may try to blog more often since I have this AMAZING blog now; sometimes I look at my blog to just admire it, yes I'm a huge nerd.

Tonight I intend fully on relaxing 100%, the house is clean, I'm clean, and I'm pooped...I have so many things on my mind, lots of personal issues I don't feel comfortable talking about here. I'm taking a "until further notice" hiatus from everything online, blog writing, Facebook, I check it periodically, do my one Facebook game and wish happy birthday's that's all for now. I also feel as though I am riding an emo roller-coaster...I really don't think anyone has noticed my absence to be honest, Heather messaged me today but other than her, things are silent. I suppose I'm just taking a break from my stress, HAHAHA! Yea right...I'm still stressed, but I'm just content being quiet. I'm clinging to family right now, and one surrogate family member, the rest are being kept at arms length.

Okay, some of my readers will not know this about me but I have sensory aversion to foods, I can NOT stand most mixed foods, casserole nearly gives me a heart attack...I'm also a super taster, this means I have more taste buds on my tongue than the average person, therefore I taste EVERYTHING. I can taste ingredients in things, I can taste the difference between name brand and store brand items, I can also taste the difference blindly between diet foods and full fat. The super tasting is fun as a party trick of sorts, otherwise it is hellish...I'm not sure what switch flipped in me, all I really know is that for the first time in my life, food commercials make me want to try stuff, yes you heard me right! And I have been trying things! I've tried fried chicken again, sans breading because, well, the sensory issue I guess, plus I LOVED the plain chicken, yummy! I've tried and loved pork roast, and just last night I tried, and didn't much like, home breaded pork tenderloin. When I was a little girl, there was a restaurant here in town called CR's, I believe it meant Carl and Ruthie's it was a Mom and Pop joint. They had AMAZING food and drool inducing pork tenderloins, mmm! I remember it was our special Saturday night food stop right after church. I can remember going in, and the days before the smoking ban I would go around the restaurant and clean ash trays, I was a weird kid...They made EVERYTHING to order so there was a little wait, and I can remember playing restaurant while waiting. They didn't have a drive thru, but when they got one it was a BIG deal! I remember our Saturday night feast was French fries, chocolate shakes, Michele and I would share one when I was REALLY little, and Mom later shared with Michele or I. Dad would order pork tenderloin and I can remember him cutting a piece around the bun because they hung off A LOT they were THAT BIG! And he would give me the crescent shaped piece of tenderloin and I was in Heaven! When the time came, I got my own tenderloin and I would chomp it down after dipping each tasty bit in ketchup. I love my Daddy's cooking, but sorry...it didn't hold a candle to CR's, oh and I also tried ranch dressing, I do not like it.

Tomorrow we are going to my Grandparents house, I'm not sure how I will feel about it, this will be the first time since Comet passed. What I wouldn't give to hear that little whining from outside the outhouse...There are LOTS of family issues which make me slightly stressed to go, the phrase beating a dead horse comes to mind...but it isn't polite for me to air our dirty laundry. If anything, I'd love some positive vibes or prayers for myself and our family tomorrow.

I won't be sharing this on Facebook like I normally do and honestly, I have no idea why I'm writing it. I guess this is just a little therapy for me as I'm sure no one will read this. Anyway, try to be good everyone, keep the shenanigans to misdemeanors, no felonies, I'm not bailing anyone out... 

Maybe?

I think...I'm ready! I have spent the last...I really don't want to think how many, hours working on this blog. I have tweaked, screamed, cried a little...and nearly given up several times but here I am! I now have a sassy, stylish new blog! So excited! I'm doing two of these posts, then I will decide which signature wins and do the big reveal.

Baby Mine

This is just a little update, sorry I haven't been around but life got really insane for what seems like forever...I'm going to TRY to get through the worst part without breaking down so please bear with me.

Most of my readers know I am a great lover of animals and that I have a bit of a menagerie. Included in the cat menagerie was the diva known as Cleo. Cleo's personality was larger than life, it was Cleo's way or the highway.

Beautiful baby girl with Grandma

I really don't remember the exact date, but one day this past Fall we took Cleo to the vet. For quite a while, we had all noticed a couple of lumps on her belly and we were concerned by this. After a visit to the vet our worst fears were nearly confirmed, though they would not know without biopsying the lumps, all signs pointed to mammary cancer. My gut fell into my shoes...the surgery to remove the lumps was on the table if we wanted and to be sure, but the doctor still said they would grow back should they actually be cancer. With that information, we decided against the VERY expensive procedure, it was either a simple blockage of the mammary gland, or it was cancer, either way surgery wouldn't solve anything...I was comforted by the fact that this cancer was very slow moving in cats, so even if my baby eventually died of the cancer, I still had the hope of years with her.

Cleo and I

Christmas rolled around and my baby girl was just as sassy as ever, and I devoted more time to her. I feel like the worst Mommy in the world...things happened and I can not remember dates. One day I noticed Cleo was coughing a little, I thought it was strange and worried a little because the coughing became rougher during the night. We made an appointment early the next day for Cleo to be taken to the vet...

Cleo and I again

The vet looked Cleo over and believed she had some form of bronchitis, she was given a steroid shot to ease her breathing and we went home. She was pretty out of it for a while, but after the steroid shot kicked in, she was back to her old Cleo self. She was scheduled for a follow up appointment, and when I would pet her, I noticed her ribs were more pronounced and worried a little over what could be causing that. With the appointment already made, we just waited to see what the doctor said...

Cleo, Sox and Grandpa

We went to the vet and she was immediately concerned, Cleo had lost a LOT of weight over a week to two weeks. It was too early to do another steroid shot, so the vet drew blood and had us go home again and see how she eats. We worried that the cancer was progressing more quickly than expected, and soon Cleo would need to go in for X-rays...

Cleo

Once again, Cleo was boxed up and shipped to the vet, and by now she was starting to hide from me whenever I put my shoes on...She had her X-ray done and was given fluids, then I was called back to the exam room. The doctor put her X-ray on the lighted board and explained what we saw, Cleo's lungs were being pressed by massive amounts of fluid building around them, she was not eating because it was so hard to breathe and eat. I could barely hear what the doctor was saying, I was biting my tongue to keep tears from flying down my cheeks (as I am right now). The prognosis was grim, all we could do was keep Cleo comfortable and when we decided, put her down. I walked out to the waiting room dazed after our vet asked if I was alright to drive, I mumbled out a little yes. They gave us a box of wet easy to digest high calorie cat food and in a daze I wrote out the check for everything, went to the car with my baby and cried...

Cleo

I took her home, let her out, and waited for Mom and Dad...I told them I was honestly too dazed to hear what the vet said, so they made an appointment to just go and talk about the options, I made them promise to NOT make the final decision without me. This was a HUGE area of contention for my Dad and I and I felt very alone. Cleo was drowning in fluid, all we could do was make her comfy perched on my Moms special back pillow. We did hospice for sweet Cleo, and she went downhill so quickly I couldn't believe my own eyes...

Cleo being a silly girl!

About a week after her final prognosis, she had the BEST week ever! She was trying to eat, trying to jump on things, she often fell because she was weak but we placed her as often as possible. She meowed at me in her sweet gravely voice and I thought, praise God! We rounded the corner! I'm sure I mentally jinxed myself by planning a photo op of Cleo after getting a clean bill of health that thanked her vets office and everyone who prayed for her...

Cleo and Aunt Michele

Literally in one week, Sunday to Sunday, Cleo was GREAT! But as soon as Monday hit, she went down hard...she barely got up, she had to go to the vet to get fluids to keep her going as she refused to eat or drink...When Dad came home, he told me I had to seriously think about putting Cleo down, I was devastated, I screamed at my Dad and went outside to be alone. I begged God to save her, I was so certain she would be okay, and I was very bad...I told God to save her, or I would abandon Him...I would curse at Him in my blind pain, I thought my faith would die if she did...

Cleo girl

On Saturday February 9th, I went out with my friend Heather for the day, it was awesome! We were planning on going to a movie, but I had to go home to get cash. She dropped me at my house to wait and when I went inside, I found my Mom near our fish tank, with Cleo on the floor with a towel on top...my heart skipped a beat. I asked Mom what was going on, she said she thought this was the end...I walked out to Heather and told her I couldn't go, I thought it was the end for Cleo, she totally understood and I went back inside. Dear God this is tough to write...

Cleo on the table

I sat down beside my angel, stroked her fur, whispered calmly to her and used a redwoods amount of tissue. That night was one of the WORST and LONGEST of my life...She began crying, meowing this horrible guttural scared howl, my Dad was crying telling my Sister she was dying, she couldn't breathe and this was sick. I couldn't take it, I went outside in the bitter cold and just sat, when I came in I went to the steps, I couldn't face my Dad he was just being vicious. I went to my bedroom, shut the door and watched TV on my Kindle, I couldn't listen to Cleo's death howls, I know that sounds awful...I went to bed that night and slept horribly, I prayed for strength, and held my breath each time I heard my Sister or Dad come up the stairs to bed...

Baby Girl on the chair

I think it was a little after five, or nearly five in the morning when I heard her...she was howling, and she woke Mom, Dad and I all up...I walked to the door and opened it slowly and asked Mom what was happening. Cleo was on the landing of the stairs crying out to us, I believe she knew her time was up and she wanted us near her. I told Mom that if Cleo lived through that Sunday, I would let her be put down on Monday. We carried her to the living room, set her on the pillow, and she clumsily got up and wandered toward the couch. She laid down on the floor and she looked so scared, I pet her slowly and gently whispering sweet things into her ears, telling her she could go, but to wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge, that we loved her and that I felt so lucky to have been her Mommy. She let out some awful howls, and as I sang Baby Mine to her, she convulsed and died...I held her in my arms, kissed her head and handed her off to my Dad. He held her a good while, Mom was taking a shower when Cleo died as she had peed on Mom. The night before Cleo died, I had played the video for Baby Mine from Dumbo on my Kindle, I propped the Kindle up and I swear, she watched. As she died, I sang in between snorts and sobs, "rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.". I wrapped my sweet angel in a pink towel, and Dad placed her into a bag before going to the basement to keep her in a freezer until Monday. I felt like I was in a haze, how could my baby be gone? Slowly, Mom and Dad went to church, and Michele left for work...I grabbed Cleo's collar in my hand and rubbed it between my thumb and palm as I went to get some breakfast. When I came home, there was the shortest thunder storm, a few flashes of lightning and some lovely thunder. I immediately smiled, Cleo was telling me she made it and was happy. Most babies send their Mommy's rainbows, mine sent me a thunderstorm because she knew I LOVED thunder. On Monday, Dad and I loaded Cleo up for the last time and took her to the vets office...we handed her off and I asked for the towel she was wrapped in, I buried my face in it, and still snuggle it when I feel lonely...It didn't take long for the dreams to start, my baby girl was healthy and happy in those dreams and I know it was her way of saying, "Mommy, please don't cry!". 

Yes, she was spoiled rotten!

Of course my mind liked to punish me, I would relive her death scene over and over before I slept and I would cry and cry, I just kept seeing her little body convulsing and I thought I would vomit. If I had it to do over again, I would have asked our vet to put her down peacefully here at home rather than see her suffer, but part of me was clinging to that miracle, that miracle I thought I deserved, that I thought God had robbed me of...But then I realized, all the years He gave Cleo and I, her spunky attitude, her diva behavior, she would stick her head under my Dads or my hands if she wanted pet, she would paw at us if we stopped petting before she was done, and she would sit and wait to be placed on top of the fridge to eat from the BIG cat bowl like a princess. She was my sweet, beautiful, AMAZING gray squirrel and I can not imagine my life without having had her. I was so angry at God for taking the people and animals I love, but now I can say, thank you! Thank you for these memories, thank you for these amazing people and animals, and thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! for the strength you have given me, God. Look out for my diva and my baby girl Comet, make sure they are as spoiled as they deserve, give Cleo LOTS of head scratches, but don't pet her tummy or paws, she hates that. Make sure you give Comet LOTS of treats and take her on a TON of long walks, she loves those. To my beautiful babies, I will be there with you someday, and know that I miss you EVERY day of my life!

She LOVED to curl up like this and sleep on her back...

To my baby girl Cleo, I love you so much, I miss you every single day, and I can't write this without bawling my eyes out. You weren't really meant to be mine...you went to one of Grandpa's bosses for a whole year, but when they decided they didn't want you anymore, they brought you back...They didn't seem to care that your birth mother HATES animals...Grandpa was so scared to leave you at work because he was sure your birth mommy would kill you...He brought you home only for a little while until we could find a new home, but you found your way into our hearts, and you won Grandpa and Grandma over. I remember the night, Grandpa said, "I think she's been traumatized enough", and you were home. You stole our hearts with your sass and your love, you were always so skidish, up until the end, but in time you learned to trust us. Thank you, baby girl, for allowing me to be your Mommy, I love you now and forever! <3

Yup, Mommy is putting this up! You often sat in such un-ladylike poses. LOL!

This little black container is all I have of the sweetest little girl. Here is Cleopatra Melinda Shamelba Donshea Sorrill, and her rainbow candle lit beside her.

Comet and I

Comet, my sweet angel girl...Please forgive Mommy for not posting only about you...You were the most AMAZING animal! You showed up out of the blue on my Grandparents farm, and I fell hard for you. I had never had an animal that was just mine, until you came into my life...You were so devoted to me, you loved our walks, our talks, you even jumped up and ran to me while nursing. I have no doubt even today, that if on one of our walks I had been hurt, you would have gotten help, you were THAT wise. When I stopped, you stopped and waited, if I went to the outhouse and didn't let you in, you would sit outside and cry. The day I heard you were gone was so hard...I had just heard the news that my sweet niece, Anne, was born, I was on cloud nine! But when I got home, Mom and Dad told me...they said for some reason, you had gotten behind Grandpa's truck, we still don't know why as you were afraid of cars...you even lost an eye being hit by Grandpa on accident...He hit you on accident, but was so sure you were all right because you ran off, but you never came home...Mom and Dad went out to look for you, and they found you, peacefully gone like you had fallen asleep under a beautiful tree. Your Grandpa, my Daddy left a handful of dog treats that you loved so much beside your little body. I want you to know, your Great Grandpa, my Grandpa was heartbroken that you died! You know him, he's an old farm man, animals come and go, but he told Mom he wished it hadn't been you. I remember the last time I saw you, we took a LONG walk in the hot summer air, you waded in the pond near Grandpa and Grandma's house and you were SO happy. Aunt Michele and I said we would have to bring you, your sister Lilly and niece Sookie to the pond every time we visited. We walked the dry creek bed, and you waded in the cool water, you followed me so faithfully and that day will always live in my memories as one of the happiest days of my life. You are my sweet, beautiful angel, I will always love you! Take care of your sister, Cleo, and all your other fury and fishy/scaly/shelly siblings. Mind your sweet Aunt Blondie, your human Grandpa Jeff, be nice to Uncle Doc, and look after your cousin Joe. Please wait for me, sweet angel, please know that you always live in my heart and I feel honored to have been your Mommy as well! Rest in peace, my beautiful angels, Mommy will see you again!