Baby Mine

This is just a little update, sorry I haven't been around but life got really insane for what seems like forever...I'm going to TRY to get through the worst part without breaking down so please bear with me.

Most of my readers know I am a great lover of animals and that I have a bit of a menagerie. Included in the cat menagerie was the diva known as Cleo. Cleo's personality was larger than life, it was Cleo's way or the highway.

Beautiful baby girl with Grandma

I really don't remember the exact date, but one day this past Fall we took Cleo to the vet. For quite a while, we had all noticed a couple of lumps on her belly and we were concerned by this. After a visit to the vet our worst fears were nearly confirmed, though they would not know without biopsying the lumps, all signs pointed to mammary cancer. My gut fell into my shoes...the surgery to remove the lumps was on the table if we wanted and to be sure, but the doctor still said they would grow back should they actually be cancer. With that information, we decided against the VERY expensive procedure, it was either a simple blockage of the mammary gland, or it was cancer, either way surgery wouldn't solve anything...I was comforted by the fact that this cancer was very slow moving in cats, so even if my baby eventually died of the cancer, I still had the hope of years with her.

Cleo and I

Christmas rolled around and my baby girl was just as sassy as ever, and I devoted more time to her. I feel like the worst Mommy in the world...things happened and I can not remember dates. One day I noticed Cleo was coughing a little, I thought it was strange and worried a little because the coughing became rougher during the night. We made an appointment early the next day for Cleo to be taken to the vet...

Cleo and I again

The vet looked Cleo over and believed she had some form of bronchitis, she was given a steroid shot to ease her breathing and we went home. She was pretty out of it for a while, but after the steroid shot kicked in, she was back to her old Cleo self. She was scheduled for a follow up appointment, and when I would pet her, I noticed her ribs were more pronounced and worried a little over what could be causing that. With the appointment already made, we just waited to see what the doctor said...

Cleo, Sox and Grandpa

We went to the vet and she was immediately concerned, Cleo had lost a LOT of weight over a week to two weeks. It was too early to do another steroid shot, so the vet drew blood and had us go home again and see how she eats. We worried that the cancer was progressing more quickly than expected, and soon Cleo would need to go in for X-rays...

Cleo

Once again, Cleo was boxed up and shipped to the vet, and by now she was starting to hide from me whenever I put my shoes on...She had her X-ray done and was given fluids, then I was called back to the exam room. The doctor put her X-ray on the lighted board and explained what we saw, Cleo's lungs were being pressed by massive amounts of fluid building around them, she was not eating because it was so hard to breathe and eat. I could barely hear what the doctor was saying, I was biting my tongue to keep tears from flying down my cheeks (as I am right now). The prognosis was grim, all we could do was keep Cleo comfortable and when we decided, put her down. I walked out to the waiting room dazed after our vet asked if I was alright to drive, I mumbled out a little yes. They gave us a box of wet easy to digest high calorie cat food and in a daze I wrote out the check for everything, went to the car with my baby and cried...

Cleo

I took her home, let her out, and waited for Mom and Dad...I told them I was honestly too dazed to hear what the vet said, so they made an appointment to just go and talk about the options, I made them promise to NOT make the final decision without me. This was a HUGE area of contention for my Dad and I and I felt very alone. Cleo was drowning in fluid, all we could do was make her comfy perched on my Moms special back pillow. We did hospice for sweet Cleo, and she went downhill so quickly I couldn't believe my own eyes...

Cleo being a silly girl!

About a week after her final prognosis, she had the BEST week ever! She was trying to eat, trying to jump on things, she often fell because she was weak but we placed her as often as possible. She meowed at me in her sweet gravely voice and I thought, praise God! We rounded the corner! I'm sure I mentally jinxed myself by planning a photo op of Cleo after getting a clean bill of health that thanked her vets office and everyone who prayed for her...

Cleo and Aunt Michele

Literally in one week, Sunday to Sunday, Cleo was GREAT! But as soon as Monday hit, she went down hard...she barely got up, she had to go to the vet to get fluids to keep her going as she refused to eat or drink...When Dad came home, he told me I had to seriously think about putting Cleo down, I was devastated, I screamed at my Dad and went outside to be alone. I begged God to save her, I was so certain she would be okay, and I was very bad...I told God to save her, or I would abandon Him...I would curse at Him in my blind pain, I thought my faith would die if she did...

Cleo girl

On Saturday February 9th, I went out with my friend Heather for the day, it was awesome! We were planning on going to a movie, but I had to go home to get cash. She dropped me at my house to wait and when I went inside, I found my Mom near our fish tank, with Cleo on the floor with a towel on top...my heart skipped a beat. I asked Mom what was going on, she said she thought this was the end...I walked out to Heather and told her I couldn't go, I thought it was the end for Cleo, she totally understood and I went back inside. Dear God this is tough to write...

Cleo on the table

I sat down beside my angel, stroked her fur, whispered calmly to her and used a redwoods amount of tissue. That night was one of the WORST and LONGEST of my life...She began crying, meowing this horrible guttural scared howl, my Dad was crying telling my Sister she was dying, she couldn't breathe and this was sick. I couldn't take it, I went outside in the bitter cold and just sat, when I came in I went to the steps, I couldn't face my Dad he was just being vicious. I went to my bedroom, shut the door and watched TV on my Kindle, I couldn't listen to Cleo's death howls, I know that sounds awful...I went to bed that night and slept horribly, I prayed for strength, and held my breath each time I heard my Sister or Dad come up the stairs to bed...

Baby Girl on the chair

I think it was a little after five, or nearly five in the morning when I heard her...she was howling, and she woke Mom, Dad and I all up...I walked to the door and opened it slowly and asked Mom what was happening. Cleo was on the landing of the stairs crying out to us, I believe she knew her time was up and she wanted us near her. I told Mom that if Cleo lived through that Sunday, I would let her be put down on Monday. We carried her to the living room, set her on the pillow, and she clumsily got up and wandered toward the couch. She laid down on the floor and she looked so scared, I pet her slowly and gently whispering sweet things into her ears, telling her she could go, but to wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge, that we loved her and that I felt so lucky to have been her Mommy. She let out some awful howls, and as I sang Baby Mine to her, she convulsed and died...I held her in my arms, kissed her head and handed her off to my Dad. He held her a good while, Mom was taking a shower when Cleo died as she had peed on Mom. The night before Cleo died, I had played the video for Baby Mine from Dumbo on my Kindle, I propped the Kindle up and I swear, she watched. As she died, I sang in between snorts and sobs, "rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.". I wrapped my sweet angel in a pink towel, and Dad placed her into a bag before going to the basement to keep her in a freezer until Monday. I felt like I was in a haze, how could my baby be gone? Slowly, Mom and Dad went to church, and Michele left for work...I grabbed Cleo's collar in my hand and rubbed it between my thumb and palm as I went to get some breakfast. When I came home, there was the shortest thunder storm, a few flashes of lightning and some lovely thunder. I immediately smiled, Cleo was telling me she made it and was happy. Most babies send their Mommy's rainbows, mine sent me a thunderstorm because she knew I LOVED thunder. On Monday, Dad and I loaded Cleo up for the last time and took her to the vets office...we handed her off and I asked for the towel she was wrapped in, I buried my face in it, and still snuggle it when I feel lonely...It didn't take long for the dreams to start, my baby girl was healthy and happy in those dreams and I know it was her way of saying, "Mommy, please don't cry!". 

Yes, she was spoiled rotten!

Of course my mind liked to punish me, I would relive her death scene over and over before I slept and I would cry and cry, I just kept seeing her little body convulsing and I thought I would vomit. If I had it to do over again, I would have asked our vet to put her down peacefully here at home rather than see her suffer, but part of me was clinging to that miracle, that miracle I thought I deserved, that I thought God had robbed me of...But then I realized, all the years He gave Cleo and I, her spunky attitude, her diva behavior, she would stick her head under my Dads or my hands if she wanted pet, she would paw at us if we stopped petting before she was done, and she would sit and wait to be placed on top of the fridge to eat from the BIG cat bowl like a princess. She was my sweet, beautiful, AMAZING gray squirrel and I can not imagine my life without having had her. I was so angry at God for taking the people and animals I love, but now I can say, thank you! Thank you for these memories, thank you for these amazing people and animals, and thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! for the strength you have given me, God. Look out for my diva and my baby girl Comet, make sure they are as spoiled as they deserve, give Cleo LOTS of head scratches, but don't pet her tummy or paws, she hates that. Make sure you give Comet LOTS of treats and take her on a TON of long walks, she loves those. To my beautiful babies, I will be there with you someday, and know that I miss you EVERY day of my life!

She LOVED to curl up like this and sleep on her back...

To my baby girl Cleo, I love you so much, I miss you every single day, and I can't write this without bawling my eyes out. You weren't really meant to be mine...you went to one of Grandpa's bosses for a whole year, but when they decided they didn't want you anymore, they brought you back...They didn't seem to care that your birth mother HATES animals...Grandpa was so scared to leave you at work because he was sure your birth mommy would kill you...He brought you home only for a little while until we could find a new home, but you found your way into our hearts, and you won Grandpa and Grandma over. I remember the night, Grandpa said, "I think she's been traumatized enough", and you were home. You stole our hearts with your sass and your love, you were always so skidish, up until the end, but in time you learned to trust us. Thank you, baby girl, for allowing me to be your Mommy, I love you now and forever! <3

Yup, Mommy is putting this up! You often sat in such un-ladylike poses. LOL!

This little black container is all I have of the sweetest little girl. Here is Cleopatra Melinda Shamelba Donshea Sorrill, and her rainbow candle lit beside her.

Comet and I

Comet, my sweet angel girl...Please forgive Mommy for not posting only about you...You were the most AMAZING animal! You showed up out of the blue on my Grandparents farm, and I fell hard for you. I had never had an animal that was just mine, until you came into my life...You were so devoted to me, you loved our walks, our talks, you even jumped up and ran to me while nursing. I have no doubt even today, that if on one of our walks I had been hurt, you would have gotten help, you were THAT wise. When I stopped, you stopped and waited, if I went to the outhouse and didn't let you in, you would sit outside and cry. The day I heard you were gone was so hard...I had just heard the news that my sweet niece, Anne, was born, I was on cloud nine! But when I got home, Mom and Dad told me...they said for some reason, you had gotten behind Grandpa's truck, we still don't know why as you were afraid of cars...you even lost an eye being hit by Grandpa on accident...He hit you on accident, but was so sure you were all right because you ran off, but you never came home...Mom and Dad went out to look for you, and they found you, peacefully gone like you had fallen asleep under a beautiful tree. Your Grandpa, my Daddy left a handful of dog treats that you loved so much beside your little body. I want you to know, your Great Grandpa, my Grandpa was heartbroken that you died! You know him, he's an old farm man, animals come and go, but he told Mom he wished it hadn't been you. I remember the last time I saw you, we took a LONG walk in the hot summer air, you waded in the pond near Grandpa and Grandma's house and you were SO happy. Aunt Michele and I said we would have to bring you, your sister Lilly and niece Sookie to the pond every time we visited. We walked the dry creek bed, and you waded in the cool water, you followed me so faithfully and that day will always live in my memories as one of the happiest days of my life. You are my sweet, beautiful angel, I will always love you! Take care of your sister, Cleo, and all your other fury and fishy/scaly/shelly siblings. Mind your sweet Aunt Blondie, your human Grandpa Jeff, be nice to Uncle Doc, and look after your cousin Joe. Please wait for me, sweet angel, please know that you always live in my heart and I feel honored to have been your Mommy as well! Rest in peace, my beautiful angels, Mommy will see you again!

Liebster Blog Award

I was tagged by my most wonderful friend and sister, Sarah, over at Romantic History. Thank you, Sarah! I have never been tagged before. :)

1. You must post eleven random facts about yourself.
2. You must also answer the eleven questions the awarder has given you and make up eleven questions for your awardees to answer in turn.
3. Tag eleven fellow bloggers.
4. Notify them you've awarded them.
5. No tagging back.
6. The eleven blogs you tag must have less than 200 followers.

I can't tag anyone, as I have only one blogging friend and she has been tagged, but I can do the rest!

11 Random Facts about Myself:

1. I require no familial sustenance from my blood family, my friends are more family to me than my blood. The bulk of my family don't care for me and ignore me, so I seek out like minded friends and adopt them. I am always important in their lives, even if I am not as important to my blood family.

2. I can not eat in front of my friends without being self conscious...I'm not sure where it comes from, but I remember my dear friend Jeff had the same issue...Unless it is my family, I can't really eat...I feel like a pig when I eat in front of friends so I tend to eat slowly, and try to eat very quietly.

3. I have never been kissed or been on a real date with anyone. I have only ever dated online as no one ever seems interested in me in real life. I don't fit the perfect woman physically, but when people get to know me, they tend to like me which is why men online have been my choice.

4. I love a clean house, but despise cleaning with every fiber of my being...I would do just about anything to get out of cleaning the house, but since I have been out of work, I clean up daily and do a deep clean weekly.

5. I HATE modern fashion with a passion...I am a total tomboy when it comes to modern fashion, but hand me a big frilly hoopskirt and I squeal like a three year old girl. I love old fancy dresses with lots of accents and jewelry.

6. I love to make up characters for my favorite movies, TV shows, or books, and sometimes I play act them out when I am alone. I have also been known to play act the book I'm writing in my quiet time. I never really outgrew the imaginative stage of life.

7. I will bend over backward for people to make sure they are happy, I usually bend over backward and ignore my own pain. I feel selfish when I let people know I am hurting, and I am loyal to a fault.

8. I would happily traipse back in to the 19th century if I could bring indoor plumbing and modern medicine.

9. I am incredibly talented at hiding my true feelings, you only see of me what I want you to see. I think about every move I make, and every word I speak, I consider what the backlash could be, how it will effect others, etc.

10. I want to be a famous author. I suppose I want this so I can show everyone who was ever mean to me that I made something of myself, which sounds incredibly selfish...Plus I want to be able to have a rather comfortable life for my family.

11. I hate talking about myself. I think everyone else's needs are more important than my own so I tend to not speak about myself unless I have to. I also have no self esteem what so ever.

11 Questions from Sarah!

1. What is your favorite era of fashion and why? (sorry, had to ask this, I always want to know this about everyone I meet!) 

Sarah, you are too mean...How on EARTH can I possibly decide between ALL the amazing clothes of the world?! If I had to choose, it would probably be 18th century. I LOVE this period because of how big and beautiful and intricate the women's clothing is of this time period.

2. What is the worst hair cut you have ever received? 

Hmm, I haven't cut my hair since at least high school and I'm very particular about my haircut...I have never really had a bad haircut, but I did have a HORRIBLE hair style for my first grade class picture. (I will add the picture later) My Grandma Sorrill pulled ALL of my hair hair to the very back, made it completely flat in front and piled everything right on top of my head in a big pile. She then put a bow nearly as big as my head in my hair...It's a rather comical picture.

3. If you could afford anything, would you have your clothes made or would you prefer to sew them yourself?

Oh I would LOVE to sew them myself! I just wish I knew how to sew. :(

4. What has been the happiest moment of your life? 

Now that is tough...There have been so many wonderful moments in my life, but I think I have been happiest when I was with my kiddos. I'd say the happiest was when I met Adam. :) Or when I met Anne. :)

5. What is your greatest inspiration for daily living? 

Living in a way that makes God smile. If I can make God happy, then everything will fall in to place.

6. If you could be remembered for one thing, what would that be?

I would LOVE to be remembered for my writing, but I think I would love to be known for my kindness and warmth. A woman who knows my Grandma Staff once said about her, "she treats everyone like a Queen!" I think I would want to be remembered that way as well. :)

7. What is your favorite season and why?

Hmmm. I think I have to choose two again, I have come to love Fall, but I have always loved Winter! Fall and Winter have my two FAVORITE holiday's, Halloween and Christmas. I just love all the decorations and specials that air at those times of year, plus the snow, the lights, the warmth of Christmas, it is just wonderful!

8. What scares you?

A few things, dying scares me, never finding my soul mate, never having a family, and being forgotten scare me the most.

9. What small item do you use on a daily basis and would horribly miss if it were gone? (for me, this is chapstick - I use it all the time!) 

My glasses! I would be lost without my glasses, literally! I'm not blind without them, but everything is so blurry without them, I would hate it to lose them!

10. What is your favorite Christmas treat?

Another toughie! Hmm, I LOVE puppy chow! It is absolutely delicious! Puppy chow and peppermint stick ice cream. :)

11. If you had a million dollars plopped in your lap, what would you do with it?

As many things for my family and friends as I could. I would probably put a specific amount in to the bank to collect interest, then use the rest to help family and friends, especially to buy my Grandma Staff a beautiful new house with a servant as that is what she deserves. :)

Thank you for thinking of me, Sarah! This was fun to do. :)

Love always,

Christina

Two new poems

Lately I have begun to take up poem writing again, I did a little many years ago but haven't lately.  I know no one will read these, but who cares this is more for me than anyone else.

Stormy Soul

I feel the clouds rolling in my head
Dark black and full of dread
When the sun cones in to sight
Will I have survived the storms of night

Masquerade

Life is a masquerade ball
You put on the face that is sure to please
A smile for all while tears stain your cheeks
God help the fool who sees the monster beneath the masks

This one is for Jeff...

I want to dedicate this post to my best friend, Jeff Bodeker. He passed away five years ago today, and even though the years have passed, the hurt is still so fresh...This post will drift from my generally sassy, silly posts in to a more serious area. I hope to have some fun stories and wonderful memories to put in to this post. Whether or not this post is even read by anyone doesn't matter, this is more for me than anyone else...

Please forgive the ad before the video starts. I wanted to show the video because it tells a story, the lyrics are below...

Over You

Weather man said it's gonna snow

By now I should be used to the cold

Mid-February shouldn't be so scary

It was only December

I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place

I think of you, and I'm not afraid

Your favorite records make me feel better

Cause you sing along

With every song

I know you didn't mean to give them to me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

This part of my life started a long, long time ago, when I was about three years old. Twenty years ago, we moved to our current house, and as a toddler with an active imagination, ZERO shyness and a love for dogs, I was bound to make new friends. When the story of how I met my two BEST friends is told in our house, one of my parents utters a, "bless Sheila's heart". You see, I was a VERY imaginative child, and I didn't realize at three that not everyone knew I was telling stories, so when I trotted down the street to the second house from ours to tell a story I thought nothing of it. I'm not sure how the conversation was struck up, but I told my unsuspecting, future surrogate mom, Sheila, that I had ten brothers, we had just moved in, my real mom was dead, I had a step mom and she didn't like me. This is where the "bless her heart" comes in, Sheila believed me, completely and totally thought I was telling the truth. Now being so young when this happened, I'm not sure HOW she realized I was telling a story, but she eventually did and that was my first real encounter with Sheila. Some time later I was drawn to their backyard by the lure of what I wanted the most in the world, a dog, I would toddle over to see their dog Doc, who was a basset hound. This is where the story gets interesting, when I first met Jeff, I was NOT a big fan...I would often ask Sheila if Jeff HAD to be with us when I came over, and she would generally reply, "yes, he's my husband". In time I warmed to Jeff and he became a second father to me as he and Sheila were unable to have children of their own. They told me our arrangement was pretty nice, they had ALL the joys of having a child of their own, the stories from school, the giggling, the playing, without all of the responsibility, schooling, housing, clothing, etc. I loved our arrangement because I got TONS of attention. Now I want to set this straight, I love my parents to death, and I know they love me, but when you are the youngest of two it's harder to fascinate your parents. Mom and dad had already seen all the exciting stuff with Michele, but with Jeff and Sheila, all the things my parents had seen were new and fascinating which made me feel extra special. 

Jeff and Doc, Jeff was playing Frito Man

For years life went on like this, I would constantly yell at Jeff to "put a shirt on", and when he stopped smoking Sheila and I were his biggest cheerleaders. I can remember chasing him down the sidewalk with a broom, and my dad seeing him smoking would ask if he needed to tell me and Jeff would reply sincerely, "oh please don't...". We would play "hide the snake" with a Beanie Baby snake, it was a bit like hide the keys or any of those other games, two of us would be in one room and the third would hide the snake somewhere in the house then send the others to look for it. We played "boogernose", a game Jeff and I made up using a circular pool noodle, the object was to toss the noodle and have it land on Jeff like human horseshoes. Jeff and I would ALWAYS quote The Simpsons, our favorite show, and there was the "brain sucker" which was one of Doc's toys. We would pretend to suck each others brains out with it and transfer them to another person. Then there is the story of how I tried to help Jeff and Sheila have a baby, I came over and asked Sheila if she and Jeff were doing it right to have a baby, then I earnestly said, "I'll show you". Sheila was obviously a bit nervous about what this toddler would do, but I got on my knees and put my hands together and prayed. I never wanted for love from them and when the world seemed so dark and ugly, I knew I could depend on them both.

Jeff with he and Sheila's niece, Elizabeth

They took me and my sister to my first professional baseball game, Cubs vs. Cards, and because Jeff was a Cards fan, I HAD to root for the Cubs to be ornery, ;) and can you guess who won? The Cubs! They took me to see the King Tut Exhibit for another birthday, and Jeff and I chatted about how rude Tut was to invite us to visit and not show up! I had been bowling with Tut when he invited me, Jeff had been playing tennis with him. He told me the joke about, "if the log rolls over we'll all be dead!" and why dogs sniff each others butts. We got a HUGE kick out of a random car commercial with a crab that constantly said, "I pinch..." which lead to him buying a scarab hat at the Tut exhibit and telling me, "I pinch". I could always depend on them, and Sheila would even bring hot chocolate over, and sit with me to talk at midnight when I couldn't wake my parents up. Jeff was always there with Kleenexes when my heart was broken with a loving, "men are pigs" and then back to the kitchen. He could always fix things with a funny voice, or some random joke, he was also very proficient at pretending to smack his nose on the cabinet doors to make me laugh. We would joke about Lord of the Rings as we all three are HUGE fans, and how you can't cook with Hobbit feet because it is impossible to get all the hair out...

With Helen and Sprocket after Doc passed away

Whenever I went to their house and stayed during into the evening, even at 14 or 15 years old, Jeff would walk me the hundred feet to my front door, from toddler to teen he ALWAYS made sure I got home, and if he had gone to bed, Sheila ALWAYS watched from the porch to make sure I was safe and sound. I can remember our jokes walking to my house, we would put on old man voices and complain about strange things, the strangest being that we had just had our porch delivered and they put it on backward. Until the day he passed, he fussed at me if I came to their house with a wet head. We went through the loss of Doc together and the loss of his mother not long after. When I started my senior year of high school, they moved about five miles out of town to the country, I was sad to see the old house go but I still had my best friends and I could still drive to see them.

A truly awful picture of me, but a great one of Jeff and Sheila

I never had a date to prom or homecomings, but Jeff and Sheila ALWAYS had me covered. Jeff worked for a florist in high school and was quite skilled at picking out a nice corsage, so every year they would buy me my corsage. My last prom I had no idea how fast time was running out, I was sure I had YEARS and years left of old man voices, head banging in to the cabinet, Simpsons lines, gay hairdresser lines and constant reassuring feedback...

Jeff giving me my corsage for senior prom

The end started like a lot of other ends start, with a simple illness. The illness was something small, a nuisance that was easily treated with a rather high dose of medicine. The dose was so high, he was supposed to have blood tests monthly to make sure it wasn't hurting him, his doctor ordered one blood test...one blood test wasn't enough to catch the fact that another medicine had the same main ingredient as the other...He was being overdosed and we had no idea. This next part is very hard for me to write, even five years later it is still a raw area...

Right after graduation, I had no idea it was coming

The last time I ever saw Jeff alive was a normal enough night, I had gone over to have dinner and just hang out before Jeff and Sheila went on vacation. We had pancakes, my personal favorite and the only thing at the time that Sheila could fix with expertise, ;) and bacon. Jeff wasn't allowed to have bacon because of his illness, we spent the night chatting about my new job and what it would entail, and planning when we would see The Simpsons movie while Jeff and I sang Spider Pig together, one would start and the other would come in without missing a beat. At the end of the night, I gathered my stuff and got ready to head home, Jeff was always an affectionate person and wasn't afraid to give hugs and kisses, I normally didn't hug back. As usual, Jeff pulled me into a hug, gave me a kiss, and then, I hugged back, to this day I thank God that I hugged him and even today I can still feel his stubble on my forehead and think how I would give anything for another hug.

Jeff with he and Sheila's niece, Valerie

When they came home from vacation, Jeff started to get worse and they ended up heading to the hospital. For several weeks his health was unstable and it simply baffled the doctors around him, I worried horribly, but Sheila reassured me that Jeff would be fine because, "he's a tough old bird". I relaxed after hearing these reassurances and the day before he died, we planned on visiting him soon, I even bought him a Lincoln fact book as he love Lincoln history and civil war history. In the middle of the night I woke up in a cold sweat with my stomach in a massive knot...I went to the bathroom and was sick to my stomach. Later in the morning, my mom called my boss and told her I had been ill in the night, I woke up fine on November 9, 2007. I made my way downstairs and sat down in my dads chair to watch TV, the phone rang and I saw it was Sheila and because my mom was home I let her answer it because Sheila had been calling to ask my mom, who is a nurse, different medical questions. I thought nothing of Sheila calling and just went back to my TV show, then my mom came downstairs...she looked visually shaken and walked toward me on the verge of tears and barely breathed out, "Jeff passed away this morning". My stomach felt like it fell out of my body, my reaction was violent I screamed, "NO!" thinking if I denied it, that would mean it wasn't true. When I realized it wasn't a very sick joke, I screamed at God, I remember my words, "Give him back! He doesn't belong to you, he belongs to us! Give him BACK!" then came the numbness...I cried silent tears and just stared...Dad came home before mom went to work to stay with me, we were all shaken up and devastated...I remember going upstairs to be alone and to put everything out of my mind, I couldn't take it, so I did anything I could to forget what I had heard, willing myself to make it not true. There was a Doctor Who marathon on that day, and one episode stuck out at me like a sore thumb and brought the tears afresh to my eyes...I can't find the clip anymore, but I can describe it. In the episode Love and Monsters, Elton remembers his mother, and at one point we see Elton and his mother at a park, she turns to him and kneels near him, whispers something in to his ear and walks away...she turns back once to wave and then continues, it reminded me so much of Jeff and still does...

This reminds me of the clip I described above...

As long as I could pretend it didn't happen, I was all right, but when we went to the visitation and funeral, I couldn't hold it in anymore...I was 18 years old, but I brought the stuffed rabbit he and Sheila had given me to hold on to during the funeral.

Now I don't want to end this on a depressing note, so I'm going to share a really good memory. We all three used to play Hide and Go Seek, and one day Jeff thought he had found the BEST hiding place EVER! The crawlspace in the basement, he crawled in to the dark little hole, pulled the board in behind him and giggled about how good his spot was! Only, it was too good...Sheila and I eventually stopped looking for him, and he sat and waited on us, until he finally crawled out and came up to see what was going on! That was always a favorite memory for all of us.

I will never forget you, Jeff, you may have left this world but you will never leave my heart. I miss you every day and would give just about anything to have one more day on the back porch of the old house, sipping a Hawaiian Punch while you grilled and Doc romped through the yard. Back when we were all young, and we had so many years ahead of us. I hope you're proud of me and I am doing right by you, you always made the world brighter with your unconditional love. Sometimes, I look at the old houses kitchen window, and for just a second I think I can see you working in the kitchen, towel over your shoulder...then I notice that the kitchen is dark, and you are gone and my heart breaks again. When the time is right, I'll see you up there, until then, don't worry about Sheila and the "rats", I'll take care of them until you are all reunited. I love you, Jeff.

Love always,

Christina

PS - This is something I forgot in the post, it is one of my brightest memories and to this day I smile when I think of it. When I was probably 13 or 14, Jeff, Sheila and I started movie night; every Saturday night I would go to their house for a movie and we saw some dandy's! I can remember Jeff being a goofball about getting The Girl With the Pearl Earring, and the time a worker at the video store told Jeff one movie was, "SO SCARY!" that he picked it up; that movie was so lame we started making fun of it saying the hills were made of baloney and the Oscar Meyer people were fighting the Eckrich people for the mountain, the people covered in red goop were the Eckrich people. But the BEST movie night EVER started off so simply, I came over and poor Sheila was feeling sick, so we all set off to picking a movie from Dish. Jeff clicked through several movies reading bits of the plot out loud while I read silently, then he stumbled upon Wrong Turn...he started reading the plot slowly "a group of people are attacked by inbred cannibals in the West Virginia mountains..." he trailed off, I looked behind us, our eyes locked and without a second hesitation we both screamed, "INBRED CANNIBALS!", to which poor Sheila groaned but sadly, she was outnumbered and Jeff and I laughed our way through the movie. Since then, the Wrong Turn movies have always made me smile to think about the "INBRED CANNIBALS!". Another memory I just remembered, happened before they moved to the country, Sheila was out of the living room and I was lying on a pillow with Doc, then I turned to talk to Jeff and this is what blurted out, "you know, dad..."; we looked at each other and then laughed. After that, when I went to Washington D.C., I bought both Jeff and Sheila #1 Mom and Dad mugs. I also have another lovely memory that makes me laugh to this day, whenever I came over Jeff would ask me if I wanted anything and if I said yes he would make a production and bring me my food or drink then say, "would you like me to peel a grape for you?", or quote National Lampoon's Christmas, "Can I get you something to eat? Drink? Take you out in the woods, leave you for dead?", or when Doc would bark at him, he would look at him and ask, "Is Timmy stuck in the well?!". Of course there were the times Doc would beg for a treat and if Jeff ignored him, Doc would nip his knee which always made me giggle. Today all I have are memories, but I am grateful for every single one.

It's beginning to look a lot like Halloween!

Everywhere you go! From pumpkins to witches, Frankenstein to scary movies, and ghosts to graves, Halloween is AMAZING! As usual, I'm writing this while watching a movie so beware the random twists in this post. 

This will be a picture heavy post, I do not own ANY of the pictures unless otherwise stated. If this is a picture that belongs to a reader, please let me know, give me some proof of your ownership and I'll be happy to give credit.

Anyway, we'll see if I can put my thoughts in to order to explain why Halloween is one of the two most AWESOME holiday's in the world!

Halloween is not a modern holiday, on the contrary it is ancient, with roots that stretch back to the ancient Celts. Halloween's original name was Samhain, pronounced sow-in, the name that Wiccans still use to this day. In all of human history, food has been the cornerstone right there with art and music. In ancient times before people became situated to live off the land, the people had to move their herds of animals to better pastures as winter came upon them, then as people began to live on the land and sow their own food harvest became vital! These both played in to the original festival of Samhain which corresponded with the ancient Celctic first day of Winter. This is where costumes and fortune telling came from

The belief of the Celts was that on this night before Winter began, the veil between our world and the world beyond was thinned. As a result, massive bonfires were built to burn offerings to the various Celtic gods in the hopes of a safe Winter, as well as a time to divine the future. Much of the above, and following is from History.com which is a WONDERFUL place for Halloween lore both past and present.

If you have ever been to a Halloween party, chances are you have seen apple bobbing, but one question may arise? Why on EARTH do we bob for apples? Well that goes back to the Celts and Romans; after the Roman conquest of much of the Celts, the festival of Pamona the goddess of fruit trees whose symbol was...you guessed it, an apple! Yes the history of Halloween is something I love about Halloween so it DOES fit in to this post. ;)

Fast forward a bit to the time when Christianity became a BIG thing in Rome, this is where we get most of our Holiday traditions. As Christianity began to sweep through Rome, an idea was formed, instead of persecuting pagans for their beliefs, change their holiday's in to Christian holiday's! That is why we have All Saints Day, the Pope decided to take this pagan festival and consecrate it to the martyrs of Christianity.

Fast forward again to America, celebration was VERY limited for quite some time due to the rigidity of the Protestants who settled here in America. Halloween would not be what we know it to be until the late 19th century, but it was NOT unheard of. Looking at America in general, we see a tapestry of beliefs and traditions to create what we have now, and the Halloween we know today is generally based on the traditions of immigrants from Ireland, Scotland, England, Spain, and Italy. Ireland and Scotland gave us the tradition of costuming, England gave us carving, though originally turnips were carved rather than pumpkins, and England gave us Trick or Treating. In England this was called Souling when people, generally poor people, went from door to door receiving soul cakes in return for praying for souls in purgatory. Spain and Italy gave us a favorite tradition of mine, the masquerade party!

While most Halloween traditions are ancient, one HUGE tradition is rather modern, the idea of gore around Halloween and scaring one another. Dismembered bodies, coffins, ax wielding maniacs are all a much more modern idea, and something I'm personally grateful for. ;)

Now, what else makes Halloween so fascinating to me? The darkness! In the back of all of our minds, we get a thrill from being scared, that rush of adrenaline and the feeling of cheating death is intoxicating. The darkness and unending possibilities it carries is just thrilling to me! There is nothing like curling up in a dark room, watching a horror movie! But make sure it has a REAL plot line...not just a looney bird freaking out on people...I tend to go with ghost movies, which leads me in to my next topic.

GHOSTS! What would Halloween be without ghosts? It would be dull, I tell you, DULL! I've eaten up ghost stories since I was a kid, while everyone else was reading Tales of a Third Grade Nothing, I was scouring the schools library for ghost books. I was addicted, ghost TV shows, ghost stories, ghost pictures, and I still am. What could be more frightening and fascinating at the same time as the thought of life after death, not in Heaven per say, but still physically on Earth in a translucent form. Give me ghosts, lots of ghosts, ghosts everywhere! 

Pumpkins! Pumpkins! Pumpkins! It simply SCREAMS Halloween! From the simple to the intricate, the goofy to the scar, pumpkins are awesome!

I have so many memories of Halloween's of my childhood pouring over the booklets of designs for a pumpkin. I can remember arguing with my sister over a design, but settling on another...

I can remember scrawling my name in the crooked lettering of early childhood on the top of my design. That was the rule in our house, once you found your design you placed your name on top.

I remember watching in fascination as my mom took one of the big carving knives off the holder on the wall and stuck it in to the large orange orb.

I can still see her pulling the top up and seeing all the seeds attached, and her cutting in to the top of the pumpkin to remove the layers of seeds.

Papers were splayed across the kitchen table to catch the droppings as little hands greedily dug in to the dark cold recesses of our chosen pumpkins. Scoop after scoop of pulp and slippery seeds trickled from the middle of our pumpkins...

Then, the big guns came out! Or should I say, the big spoon! Michele and I would take turns dragging the giant gray spoon inside the pumpkin, but having very little success.

Then when the little fingers got tired of scraping and scooping, mom would take up the spoon and dig and scrape in the pumpkin until it was just right. Then our patterns were taped on to the pumpkin and we began to drill our holes slowly. As a youngster, I was less than skilled at cutting the the jumbled up dots in to a good picture and I would often lament over the odd lopsided shapes I was able to scrape out.

Even today I still LOVE carving pumpkins, though my skills have improved quite a bit. ;) I collect pattern books, I buy at least one new one a year. In past years, I carved six or seven pumpkins a season, but that backed up quite a bit this year without a job which is all right with me. Even at 23 I still enjoy the earthy scent of a pumpkin, the feel of the pulp and seeds, painstakingly punching holes, and finally cutting the pieces out, it simply screams Halloween.

Yard decor, need I say more? I ADORE decorating the yard for Halloween, and I add something new every year. Planning, plotting, pulling decorations out, scouring the internet and my mind to find the BEST possible yard scene is just heavenly! I will put pictures up of our yard when the computer stops being rude...it simply refuses to acknowledge our memory card...

Witches

Witches

Witches...

Bet you can't tell I love witches. ;) There is something about magic, real magic that intrigues me. The simple idea that a person could say a few words or make a potion and poof! something appears, I just eat it all up! (My ADD is kicking in and I'm losing steam rapidly so most of the rest will probably just be pictures with short captions.)

Two words, Time Warp! Halloween is NEVER complete without Rocky Horror Picture Show! If you don't Time Warp ONCE during October, you just aren't awesome enough...

Costumes! The above is likely what my future daughter will be wearing. ;) I LOVE costumes, I'm 23 and STILL love to play dress up. I even have a plaque that says, "Clothes make a statement, costumes tell a story" and I fully believe that! 

Well, I think the above explains it best as to why I love Halloween so much, and after reading I hope YOU love Halloween a little bit more. Feel the magic in the cool Fall air, let yourself fall in to the age old celebration and remember to DO THE TIME WARP!

I'll leave you with a more modern adaptation of my FAVORITE Disney couple, Jack Skelington and Sally Stitches from The Nightmare Before Christmas. They're simply meant to be together. ;)

Love and Happy Halloween!

Christina

PS - I reserve the right to add as many pictures or comments I wish to this post. ;)